Thursday, March 30, 2006

Carry-on baggage only

So, last night, it was essentially decided that it would be a bad idea to do anything in regards to a certain male until he approaches me again. Internally, it was decided, that I should basically clear out my mental space and assume that he had actually given me an answer. And it wasn't yes. I feel like this is, unfortunately, the most logical course of action at this point. If something does happen to change his mind, or rather, make it up, then it is his job to communicate that to me in some way. And if nothing like that happens, then I guess I just have to assume that any answer that isn't yes is no. It just makes more sense to assume that, and then if something happens, it will be a pleasant surprise.
The other point that was made to me is that if he isn't ready for this, enough to give an answer, and if he is citing old relationships as evidence for this, then he clearly has some kind of baggage. Which I have no need and no desire to deal with. I have my own problems, and so someone else's emotional baggage, if it is enough to prevent this from taking off, then it is too much. Carry on baggage only, please.
So, I was working on this plan last night, and a little more today. I never got to finish writing my thoughts down last night, so I am finishing them now, so I can move on emotionally and move on to writing my history and politics paper. (Woo, Burke, Tocqueville, time-horizons and religion. Hott!)
So the three possibilities for the future here, rather in order of their probibility...
1) He doesn't say anything, he doesn't clarify in any signigicant manner. Nothing ever happens, but it is frustrating and painful and long. It is essentially a no, more by lack of action than actual decision. Could result from a number of different sources, including fear of a committment, lack of interest, baggage, etc.
2) He does answer, but it is a no. Then, at least, things are on the table. I'll be fine with that, and we can proceed all the faster to being friends without awkwardness.
3) He does answer, and it is a yes. If it is within a certain time horizon (ya, H&P!) then we see what happens. Hopefully it all works out for the best, and if not, at least we gave it a shot. You never really know with these things.
Erin and Carly (frocos) both told me that I had essentially the perfect outlook on this whole dating thing, and that from the descriptions, I am about 10 years more mature than he is. That might be kind of a lot, but still... We have some differences, and I can see that being one of them. Oh well.
Which leaves me with a question: what should I do this weekend? I think Amy and maybe Chris have secured themselves dates to the Fool's Ball. I do not have one, and if I didn't have one, I don't really know how interested I'll be in going. I don't know that I really want to stay in this weekend either, though. We shall see, we shall see. Maybe we'll go see Syriana or something.
Ok, first things first. I have a paper to write!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Ineria and energy. no physics, though.

So, where am I? A fine question.
~asked and answered: I ask questions and then I answer them for myself. I guess J.S. Mill was right all along-- knowledge isn't taught at all. You have to get it for yourself, questions or otherwise. I figured it out after I asked and it wasn't answered that I actually had the answer all along-- it's all just a matter of phrasing. As I said later, and if I do say so, I said it well, "If there was an easy answer, I never would have had to ask." So, I asked, I answered. Where did this get me? Roughly nowhere.
~fundamental problem of mental inetia: what makes things change? Can I predict something that will swing this very ponderous pendulumn one way or the other? Time will swing it towards no, if nothing happens otherwise. Talking about it more is also somewhat likely to swing it toward no. I don't see much that will swing it to yes, but that actually doesn't mean anything in particular. It just isn't the way I think to be able to see it. This I have learned from my own experience.
~am I on a tether? So, one of the problems is this. He says "I don't want to tell you to forget it, move on. I also can't tell you to sit around and wait for me to make up my mind." Ah, yes. Well said. I feel like I am obligated to give it a little time, at this point, since I asked. But on the other hand, what is going to change? and also, what am I really waiting for? I guess the thing is that I am not actually "over him", and I don't know if that should even be a goal. What does that even mean? So if I am waiting for him to make up his mind, what does that mean? I guess I kind of am waiting. It isn't like I have other people to pursue or something. Ugh.
~the worst question ever: so now what? in the long and in the short terms, I am very bothered about this one. In the short term, what now? Do I plan something for this weekend? Should I wait and let him do it? And if he doesn't do it? Then do I? Or then do I still let him come to me? I don't know. Then the long term... if there even is a long term. God knows that I have no idea what that would be about. And just as a note, long term here means a period of weeks, months if you feel like extending it.
~mental energy: damn it all, he just takes up too much of my mental space right now. Either something needs to happen, or something needs to announce that it is not happening. I need my mind back.

Saturday, March 25, 2006


Have you ever looked at a closeup of a plant, either a photograph or in real life, and been kind of terrified by either the structure, the lack of intelligence and yet the presence of change, or both? I just had a really rather terrifying moment of that.
Just plain unsettling.

Like a window in your heart

So, since I found the nerve to ask him, nothing really has happened, though I have some expectation that something will happen sooner than later. It may take some time, but to my mind, that's worth it.
Also, the whole entire world knows about it, especially considering all the CLITS now know the salient details of Thursday. (Right, so the thing is, that if you are the singular individual that missed out on this, please let me know. It's quite a nice [relatively tame] drama, and I have rather come to enjoy recounting the story.)
Anyway, it kind of feels like there is a) a window in my heart, and b) something funny in the water. I have no right to be in this good of a mood right now!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Oh my lord

So, I knew that the last philosophy paper I wrote was bad. Not only was it bad, but it was short (only slightly over 4 pages) and late. And I also knew I was going to get it back shortly after break. Say, this morning for example.
So when I got my history and politics paper (which I felt really good about), and it went very well, I figured I should go pick up my philosophy paper so that the good news of my H&P paper would temper the anguish of my philosophy paper.
Haha, bitches, all that was unnecessary. Aced the philosophy paper. Got an exclamation point and everything.
I am indescribably happy right now! Ya!

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?

Unfortuantely, it is a completely irrelevant title. I figured I wouldn't remember it when it was relevant, so I'm using it now. It's the best line in a Panic! At the Disco song (I Write Sins Not Tragedies). Also, America, Fuck Yeah!
Um, so here we are. Spring break is over, and I am well rested if behind in my work.
The first week was pretty nice-- calm, quiet. Got enough sleep! Hurray for that.
The second week was also nice. I went to Maine with 21 other YPMBers. Skiing is really not my thing, though. I've dubbed myself Captain Yard Sale. But it was pretty great, because I got to spend a ton of time with other band people. It was also nice not to be with any of my really close friends for a while, not least of all because I appreciate them a lot more now that I'm back.
I'm really looking forward to our little tea party on Tuesday. :-)
So, Chris told me about his blunt boy questions. Unfortunately, I've gotten two different versions of the story from him and another one from Amy. Oh well. I was all resolved to ask him flat out, but now I am having second thoughts. From the other versions of the encounter, it might be better to let it go for a little while. I don't know-- I'm pretty torn about that. I guess I'll just play it by ear for now.
And back to homework.... ugh... But also not ugh, because I have resolved to be a real student for the last five weeks of this semester, actually getting my work done and well. I was slipping before break, and I need to not do that now.

Thursday, March 02, 2006


Reply to this, with one superpower that you'd like to have. Anything
counts, even minor stuff (say, taking voluntary control of involuntary
functions, seeing in UV light etc).
Restriction: must have no obvious crime-fighting or world-saving applications.
If intrigued, post in your own journal for others to reply to.
(Thanks, Mike Chan!)


hi catherine

you did well in the exam, and as you have done well in the homeworks
too, be sure you are not failing this class, so just work hard in the
coming homeworks and you will be ok.

i am not allowed to release your score yet, but your final score
in thi class won't be particularly affected by your midterm.

fyi: a curve will be applied for the midterm scores.

enjoy the break



Wednesday, March 01, 2006

mm. things.

I like lists. So here is a not ordered list.
1. I did not do well on my astro midterm. That could be a problem. Like, for real not well. Like barely passing not well. And now I don't know what to do. I'm considering dropping the course now. I don't want to, but I might have to. The class is interesting, and easy enough. Except for the part where I accidentally bombed the midterm.
2. Leah's calculator did a very odd thing right before the test. I was using it maybe 5 minutes before the test. Then I get there, open it up to work on a problem. I push "On" and the screen comes up saying it has cleared the RAM and now it has a big grey spot in the middle of the screen. Oh, shit.
3. I fear I may be getting sick. This would make me very unhappy, especially considering that break is coming up. And even though break is a slightly better time to be sick than any other time, I still don't want to be sick. Maybe I'll nap before dinner... mmm...
4. I decided last night that I spend way too much time on AIM. Though, as it was pointed out to me this afternoon, if Jason were never online, how much would that even matter? He's the only one I have ridiculously long conversations with to the detriment of my time management abilities. And he won't be online for Lent. So maybe it doesn't even matter. God damn it all, why am I so indecisive? I need to work on that. For real. I've become something of a skeptic, and yet I am falling into the trap of the skeptics: indecision. Not acceptable.
5. Right, so... Jason... So in the course of an almost 5 hour IM conversation last night (!) I somehow asked him to go dancing with me on Thursday. Where I decided that this was my plan, I don't really know. Things I do know: I was more nervous then than I should have been, and I am more anxious about it now than I should be. I am simply not being reasonable, and I know it. I guess I should just chill out, and let things happen as they're going to happen. That's all I can really do, and so I just have to know that and let things go. Grant me the strength to change what I can, the serenity to let the things I can't go, and the wisdom to know the difference.
6. I am also somewhat glad for break coming now, just to get away from school. Hopefully, I can go away and come back as a real student who does work instead of someone who lives here and doesn't do work and fails midterms and botches papers. I need to get it together, honestly. I thought I was doing fine, and I am happy, but I am not doing well. If that ever sets in, I will stop being happy until that gets fixed. So I plan on doing a lot of good Lit work tonight, and going to church and dinner with the girls I think I am living with next year, and then hopefully to bed early to try to catch this cold or whatever before it has a chance to get worse.