Saturday, December 24, 2005

Christmas eve

Is it a bad sign when you are making a blog entry at 10pm on Christmas eve? I think it is, yet here I am, making one any way. This Christmas is just not right so far. Here I am at Grandma's, typing away, while Dad is at home with his mom, and Mom is grumping here. The spirit just isn't here. We didn't go to St. Alban's this year, which makes a grand total of zero people happy, but mass was at 6! Impossible to work out, basically. Sigh. I want to go back to Firefly.
What a sexy setting. Jeez.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Sleep schedule? What?

Who needs one? Clearly, I don't think I do, since I got to bed at 6 am this morning (er, yesterday morning) and got up at 3:15 pm today, and I have not yet gone to bed now. So... that's nice. Also, being so busy has not given me much time to obsess over anyone at school, though he has been in my dreams two nights this week. A little crazy, but considering that I have been dreaming much more this break than I did while I was at school, maybe not so crazy. But that also means we haven't seen each other online in several days. So, we'll just have to see how that goes. In the mean time, I've been keeping busy by not doing work. Which, of course, means that the end of break is going to be a little cramped with the working. Also, (duh!) I forgot Michael's lyric poetry packets at Northside. Whoops! (I hope he can forgive me...)

Monday, December 19, 2005

What am I dreaming about this Christmas?

Short answer: boys.
Long answer... So I've had two pretty strange guy dreams. Well, one strange, one not strange except for the fact that I had it. The strange one first... I dreamed I was at U of C, staying in Shoreland. And my room was a double, and my roommate was Ms. Gumms, Emma's mom. And the roon had a tiny bathroom and an enourmous closet, and the fridge was kept in the bathroom, and it was stocked like John's fridge, because he had filled it. He announced that and then left. Anyway, I can't quite communicate the strangest parts of what I've said, because it was really a feeling. But then a (gay) friend from Yale comes in, and we start talking. And then we stop talking and start making out. In the closet. And when we've finished with that, then I tell him that it wasn't exactly rewarding and that "This really shouldn't happen again..." or some crap like that. I have the most disturbing third-person image of us kissing, and it is creeping me out. I haven't told him about this dream yet.
The not-strange one is somewhat easier to tell. I am at a dinner party at my house, and everyone has finished dinner but is still generally sitting arouond the table, and I get the question about boys at school. So I give my response "Well, there's this guy Jason, and I don't know what's going on with him. It's so ambiguous." To which my mom responds "You're making him nervous!" And I look over and who is sitting there talking to my mom but Jason! I confirm that it is him, much to my chagrin and extreme awkwardness, but as I pass by his seat he reaches out and grabs my hand and kind of pulls me into the chair next to him.
And then I woke up.

Saturday, December 17, 2005


So, here I am, sitting at home. It's such a different world than school. I would kind of rather be at school though my longing isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm just happier there, really. Not that I don't love my family, because I do, and not that I don't miss my home friends, because I really do. But at school. things are just different for me, and I like them the way they are there.
But there are some nice things about being here, even if the heat is not nearly as good (old houses!). For one thing, I can catch up on my back Christmas movies. I never pass a Christmas season without at least watching all the classics a dozen or so times. So I watched White Christmas today with the family. And there is St. Alban's, which is nice. Though we'll see how it really compares to ECY, it was nice being back there today. And, generally and tempermentally, I think I like the change of scenery, though the timing is somewhat inconvienient... Things are crazy, especially when people are ambiguous. Now, perhaps I am being a touch hypocritical, but some people are very inscrutable and few things drive me as crazy as when I really want to know something and I can't figure it out! Ah, me oh my.
But, in other news, I really like Don Quixote so far (a whole 25 pages, baby!). I didn't expect to, really, and so it is coming as a nice surprise. I've been trying to decide what prejudiced me against it so much before. I guess I expected an impenetrable style or something very Baroque, which isn't what I'm finding so far. And also, I think I did well on my philosophy final, which is awesome because I was rather frightened of it. But it went well, and I think I'll do fine in that class. I want grades to be posted also. I know I'll almost certainly have an A- in Lit, but the other three are somewhat more variable. What will Charley give me? Did I manage to write a passing astronomy paper? I sure hope so!
And tonight is our annual family Christmas party. (Yes, it is a Christmas party. No, I'm damn sure it isn't a "holiday party"!) I should probably start being a human being again, and not just a creepy internet personna. And, I have to watch myself, to keep myself from sitting on the internet for long stretches waiting for someone to sign on. Because that right there is trouble. I'm bad enough as it is.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Dear Finals Week,

Dear Finals Week,
You suck.
What's the problem? Well, it is several things all in one.
1. I don't want to go home! I mean, home is great and whatever, but I'm honestly just happier here. I like the people and I like the place and I like the things I do and this is home now. So I don't want to go home. Also, I would so live with the band.
2. My philosophy final is going to eat my soul and spit out my bones like an owl pellet. I mean, I just don't know how to study for this, or how I am going to write two essays tomorrow or how I am going to respond to a million ID questions about dense philosophical texts that I may or may not have read and may or may not have understood. What? The ontological argument? What?
3. I've kind of been living in boyland. Boyland has several effects on me, all bad. I don't eat properly, if I eat at all. I can't get work done. I think about the wrong things. I am easily distracted (more than normal). I do stupid things like wait for people to show up at places where they are not going to appear. I stay up until 4 am on AIM, and make stupid faces when they talk about ex-girlfriends. What am I doing?
4. Why can't my friends get it together and be normal, and have normal issues? Just to pretend for a few minutes that she was cheating on you or some garbage like that. No, this point is a lie. I wouldn't have it any other way. But still, it's frustrating.
Why can't you be followed by "spend an awesome week with the YPMB" week? Why is there no Blunch tomorrow?

Sunday, December 11, 2005


So, I usually don't suffer from pre-test anxiety. But today, a few minutes before my Literature final, I am feeling a bit queasy. Though it has crossed my mind that I may actually be thinking about something else, it is still a spectacular example of poor timing indeed.
I shouldn't be nervous about this test, either, because I feel fairly well prepared for it. Sigh. What to do, what to do?

Friday, December 09, 2005

feeling a little flakey

Yes, so here it is. Crush on junior=a little scary, and rather hopeless for several reasons. Not least of all, the fact that I have a source (fairly reliable, I should think) that says he is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. "Whenever she comes around they still sleep together, whatever that means..."
Also, I've essentially been talking myself out of it, for that reason and also examining if I would actually be ready for that. Also, generally considering the general awkwardness I've been feeling about the subject recently.... So I feel flakey and like a chicken. Is that for the best? Is there any way to know?
Also, what happened to my work ethic? I had some during high school, but now... gone! I wonder if it is at least living somewhere with nice weather. Because it looks like we're going to have a lot of snow tomorrow. I can only hope.
Also, I am trying to figure out a way to justify going to the LOTR marathon the band is having tomorrow night, 7 pm-7 am. Can I even do that??

Friday, December 02, 2005


There is a great pit in my life where work was just a few minutes ago! I am oddly free right now, considering that I have no classes until January 9, and three finals starting in a week. But in the mean time, I have nothing extremely pressing to do (whihc is good, because if I did, I wouldn't have the attention span to do anything about it anyway!).
But, yes, my first semester at Yale is drawing to a close. How strange!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

ADD, anyone?

You know I'm in a bad state if I've posted here more than once in a day... and here we go, another post. I have no attention span tonight. I have been sitting here in CCL for... an hour. And I have written... about 100 words. Also, made a painting, posted to Discuss, read away messages, read the news, twiddled my thumbs (in every way but literally), sent some emails, read some emails, talked to someone in one of my sections, facebooked, people watched, thought about switching libraries again, sent some IMs to people who aren't even there, and forcefully stopped myself from falling asleep. The real issue here is that I have the guts of the paper written, I just don't know what my thesis is. Great, right?
Ugh! I wrote this so fast that I didn't even think about what I was writing about. There is just so much evidence that the evidence kind of overwhelmed the actual, large-scale analysis. The small scale analysis is great, but it just isn't adding up to anything right now.


I swear to God, it is colder in this library than it is outside. Shiver, shiver, shiver!